Facing our fears

I had not lost any close family members before and here I had to face the death of my own Mum as any surgery to remove her remaining jawbone was out of the question. She was going to die. I knew that I had to be there and help. The same guilt that consumed me for leaving the country I was born in and grew up in, but then left, leaving behind family to start a new life in the UK – that guilt returned but 100 times worse as I hadn’t been there for my Mum for so many years.

Then practical fears took over. My South African passport had expired and what if I was arrested at the border for entering illegally in the country of my birth? How would I find time to get it updated so quickly?

But the biggest fear I was to face was the fear of returning to a country and the city of Johannesburg that had been my home for over 25 years – a city I loved but equally a city I feared. I had been attacked as a young student while out jogging with our gentle Bearded Collie in the early 90’s in the leafy tree-lined streets of Johannesburg. The fear of returning to this city overwhelmed me with such force that my body fell apart from one day to the next! I am normally such a healthy person, but I developed a piercing chestpain, earache, infection on my tongue – and such a bad thorat infection that I felt so awful when I finally did make it to see my Mum and be with her that I spent the first week there just coughing and coughing!

What I was to experience however changed me forever. I stayed for over 6 weeks and as my very feisty french Mum refused any care from anyone else or any form of hospital care, I was there for her 24/7. I never left our home which I found a blessing as I did not have to be faced with the realities of life in South Africa – a country that is too beautiful with the warmest most generous people….but with such inequality that it saddened me to my core to witness. (I have written before about the guilt that living in South Africa had on me with as you cannot have more guilt than a white Catholic South African:)

My Mum had the passing we can only all dream of – in her own bed as she wanted with her family around her, and I was to return to the UK to my family waiting for me, a changed person.

By facing my biggest fears which were ultimately for my own safety and personal loss, I returned to the gentle countryside of the UK and since returning, I take absolutely nothing for granted. I do believe that what I experienced in that short 6 weeks gave me the most precious values in life and have helped me on my road to veganism and just being a good person.

I still do it every night; but as I lay down to go to sleep and pull the covers right up to my chin, I have a little mantra that I say each night. I say in my head – “I am warm, I am comfortable, I am safe and I am loved” It helps me sleep – such simple confirmations but how lucky I feel to be able to say these things:) Thank you for sharing in this with me!